Going ‘through the mill’ is something I’m familiar with. I came to the Lord in October 2006 at a time of great trial.
I had come north to live on the family’s 10 acre property following my father’s death. I loved the place too much to sell, and at the time it seemed like a great adventure. Stepping into my father’s shoes, getting a half-finished house completed, establishing a dairy goat stud (my idea), were all challanges that I ran with. As a career soldier, my father had great all-round abilities – fencing, planning, building, planting. I took all that on, and though I had the major fencing done by a contractor, I was soon using the fence strainers and skillsaw – all helped by my mom, just as she had helped my dad over the years..
But by 1997 it became clear that my mother’s mental condition was deteriorating, and before long she was diagnosed with alzheimers. There followed 10 years of caring for her sole charge.
I would be lying if I didn’t say that these were trying years. Gradually, my options in life foreclosed. From a past career as a highly-paid lawyer in government, I had become a ‘handmaiden’. Much as I loved my mom, that did not go down well. My various options for making an income foreclosed also, though I clung tenaciously to the artistic skills I’d nurtured from childhood, and they and the internet helped me keep my sanity. There were times when I considered running away – but to what? My assets were all tied up in the land. And with a horse, 2 dogs and 4 cats?
I won’t go into the dramas, the worries and the uncertainties. These are well documented in the blog The Alzheimers Carer, which I wrote at the time.
My mom passed away in February 2007, and I was left with debt and a host of problems. It was a blessing that I was ‘born again’ – above all else I had that lifeline.
Over the years I’ve been helped mightily by the Lord. But right now I am in strife, following a decision in September 2014 that it’s time to move from here. A huge step.
Something that Separates Us from God
Since then, I feel like every problem in the book has been thrown at me, from health issues to dramas around getting the place in order for sale. It has been a nightmare.
Without actually realising it, I have allowed myself to come under ongoing stress – in other words, attack. Attack centered on my own feelings of guilt that I hadn’t maintained the property up to scratch during my mom’s illness – as if that were possible when she wouldn’t let me out of her sight.
The accuser has stood alongside, ceaselessly pointing the finger and finding fault. Though intellectually I know better, I have let him do it. He is already defeated, and I have been giving him power. How foolish is that?
And though I ask the Lord for guidance daily, I know I have never really ‘let go’ on this particular issue. And we absolutely have to do that:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and you shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
Knowing that and actually doing it, are two very different things. If we do not let go, He cannot help us. And that is where I am at.
Lack of faith of this type is actually a sin (by definition, something that separates us from God).
I’ve just enrolled for notifications about a Video Course called “Wonderful Counselor”, starting on 17 October. Though the course can be bought, there is a brief opportunity to watch the video series free at this time, which is what I am going to do. I’m passing this information on on for anyone who may feel need of it.
Note – I am not an affiliate of the Christian Leadership School – I have nothing to gain by recommending this.